Sep 30, 2015

The Thoughts of Janet Yellen

Nick Drake

From the late, great Nick Drake (YouTube)

Who can know the thoughts of Janet Yellen
Will she hike, or cop out once again
And where she’s been and what’s her scheme
As she sends stocks to the stars

Who can know the reasons for her guile
When shorts get reamed does she crack a little smile?
The way she clings to the market’s every swing
Makes her the princess of SPY

I'd Rather Dance With You

Kings of Convenience

From Norway's Kings of Convenience (YouTube)

I'd rather dance with you than trade with you
So why don't we move our stops so they have more room?
There's space here for us to shake  (“Our calls expired in June”)

Even if I could hear what you said,
I doubt my top picks would be interesting for you to hear
Because I haven't read Jim Cramer’s book in years
And the only stock I bought I didn't like it at all  

DIA-mond Dogs

Diamond Dogs - David Bowie

Melody borrowed from David Bowie (YouTube)

{I knew a crusty old Merrill broker who used to crush his golfing buddies with a flawed “Dogs of the Dow” strategy.  Instead of the 10 highest yielding names, he simply picked the 5 worst stocks he could find}

As they rolled you out of the 19th hole tent
You asked for shares of Chevron
As the algos pump and the polls say Trump
Dressed in a shirt bright red, “Dogs of the Dow” you said

Back in a Straddle

Back in the Saddle - Aerosmith

Option trading strategies from Aerosmith (YouTube)

I'm back !   I'm back in a straddle again
I’m back !   I’m back in that straddle again

Solving calcs with ten unknowns, my mind can bend a spoon
I’m trading like an Icahn clone, that crazy-ass tycoon
Gartman’s giddy for risk, that’s when I got short SPY   
When he turned back into a wimp, I sold the call leg high

But I'm back in that straddle again, I'm back
I'm back in a straddle again, I'm back

Sep 24, 2015

Stop All the Flaming Doves

Stop in the Name of Love - Supremes

From the original by The Supremes (YouTube)

Stop all these flaming doves
Before they break my chart

Janet, I'm afraid you’ll start an FOMC war
Each time stocks reach a floor
I watch you walk down 20th Street
Knowing all the other doves you'll meet
But this time before you run to Dudley
Leaving my charts all spiky and muddy
(Think it over) After I've been good to you ?
(Think it over) Like everyone on Wall Street for you ?

Stop!  All you flaming doves, so I can throw a dart   (Think it over)

Sep 23, 2015

You Hawkish Thing

You Sexy Thing - Hot Chocolate

Many thanks to Hot Chocolate (YouTube)

(Had this in mind for an eventual Fed rate hike, if/when it comes ...)

I believe in miracles !
Where’re you from, you hawkish thing? (hawkish thing, you)
I believe in miracles
Since you lifted off, you hawkish thing

Where did this come from, Janet?
How did you know I needed you?
How did you know I needed rate hikes so badly?
Was tired of bulls throwing darts madly

Sep 22, 2015

Mrs. Yellen, You've Led Us To the Slaughter

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Daughter

Melody borrowed from Herman's Hermits (YouTube)

(Investing globally, many Brits find themselves trapped at US equity highs, though they’re much more polite about it than we’d ever be)

Mrs. Yellen, my stocks are under water
Declines as sharp as that are something rare
But it's sad, she’s not as dovey now
She’s made it clear enough, it ain’t like in ‘09

We just want returns for stocks we’ve bought now
Tell her all the sheep think it’s a shame
Things have changed, she’s not a dove now
She's made it clear enough, I think she should resign

Sep 21, 2015

It's My Market


With thanks to Leslie Gore (YouTube)

(For ‘malicious’ short-sellers everywhere)

It's my market, and I'll short if I want to
Short if I want to, short if I want to
You will short too when the bulls say ‘adieu’ 

I think I know where Lockhart has gone
‘Cause Bullard left the same time
Why did they go see that Doors cover band
When stocks are still far from new highs?

I Want QE

I Want Candy - Bow Wow Wow

With a little help from Bow Wow Wow (YouTube), who covered the Strangeloves classic

(After easily jawboning the Fed into inaction, world finance leaders and dovish pundits were seen sporting “QE” T-shirts)

I know a Chair just over 5 feet
When stocks decline, she can't be beat  
She's got everything to take us higher
Set late summer markets on fire
I want QE, I want QE


Magic - Pilot cover

(From the 70s Top 40 hit by Pilot (YouTube), to be sung by perma-bulls thriving on low volume, oil spikes and crappy economic data)

Ho-ho-ho -- It's magic !
You know, never believe it's not so
It's magic you know
Never believe it's not so

Never miss a head-fake
Never seen the Dow break
Trading from my pillow in the morning
Lazy day in bed with my E-Trade app and FRED
Crazy futures ramping in the morning light

No Expectations

No Expectations - The Rolling Stones

Inspired by The Rolling Stones (YouTube)

Can’t take more stagnation
Their fear of any pain
I've got no expectations
That rates will rise again

Once we were a rich land
Now we are so poor
But never in my sweet short life
Have I been this miffed before

Sep 15, 2015

Yellen's Coming

Eli's Coming - Three Dog Night

A slightly different version of the Three Dog Night (YouTube) 70s hit

(Old-school bears view the phrase "Fed Chair Press Conference" on the Economic Calendar with great trepidation)

Yellen's comin'   (Yellen's a-comin')
Well, you better widen your stops, your tight short stops
Yellen's a-comin' and the cards say:   a broken chart

Janet's comin', hedge your shorts, girl
Janet's comin', widen your stops, girl
Girl, Yellen's a-comin', you better hedge, girl
Yellen's a-comin', you better run, girl
Janet's a-comin', you better watch, girl
Janet's comin', watch your chart, girl (watch it)
You better, better watch your chart

Sep 14, 2015

The (Gartman) Letter

Dennis Gartman

Sincere apologies to The Box Tops (YouTube)

Gimme some puts on the Dow again
Ain’t no time to take the FAS train
Bullish days are gone, I’m a-goin short
Gartman just-a wrote me a letter

I don't care how much margin I gotta spend
Got to get back to net short again
Long days are gone, I'm a-gonna short
Denny just-a wrote me a letter

Sep 11, 2015


Heroes - David Bowie

To the music of David Bowie (YouTube)

I, I will be Fischer, and you, you will be Yellen
Though nothing will drive them away
If we could be them, just for one day
We can leave Zero, just for one day

And you, you can be mean;  and I, I'll think all the time
'Cause they're doves, and that’s a fact; yes they're doves, and that is that

Though nothing will spike rates forever
We could sneak hikes, just for one day
We can be heroes, forever and ever, what d'you say?

Sep 9, 2015

Life During 'Moar' Time

David Byrne - Talking Heads

Reworked from the frenetic Talking Heads (YouTube) late-70s classic

(News anchors were stunned by the ‘sudden’ correction -- but breaking the range to the downside was a long, bloody battle)

Heard of a hedge fund loaded with RUT puts, jacked up and ready to go
Found gravestone dojis all over FreeStockCharts,
in names that nobody knows
The sound of Cramer, off in the distance, I'm gettin’ used to it now
From those in brownstones to folks in ghettos, they’re long all over this town

This ain’t no party, we ain’t long Cisco, this ain’t no foolin’ around
No time for scale-ins, can’t move my stop-loss, I ain't got time for that now

Sep 8, 2015

Trading Stocks At Night

Chronic Town - R.E.M.

Adapted from early R.E.M. (YouTube)

I lost some money on the Floor I felt the market’s changed for all
The fleeting moves from 9 to 4 just didn’t seem to be too real
The market’s nothing but a farce, Sun servers churning SPY somewhere
There is no time for hesitance -- trading stocks at night has got to work

Trading stocks at night, trading stocks at night

Sep 5, 2015


The Smiths - Ask cover

Thanks to The Smiths (YouTube)

Bullish is nice, but bullish can stop you
From enjoying all the market returns you'd like to

So, if there's a short you'd like to try
A stock that you think will dive
ASK ME!    I won’t say “No”     How could I ?!

Yellen, It Was Really Nothing

William, It Was Really Nothing

With music by The Smiths (YouTube)

The pain hits hard in this hedge fund town
The Dow has dragged you down
Oh, the blame falls hard as the pensions drown
The Fed has let you down
Oh, no

And everybody tried to catch this knife  
And god knows I've bought the declines  
God, now I've got to resign

Yellen, Yellen it was really nothing
Yellen, Yellen it was really nothing
… it was their retirement

Sep 4, 2015

Sister QE

Sticky Fingers - Rolling Stones

Available as a bonus track on the Rolling Stones (YouTube) ‘Sticky Fingers’ remaster:

Here I sit with my eyes on the Fed
Tell me, Sister QE, when are you comin’ ‘round again?
Oh, I don't think I can wait that long
Oh you see, the market’s not that strong

The scream of the Keynesians is sounding in my ears
Tell me, Sister QE, how long have I been buying here?   
What are we doing outside the range?
What’s that stuff on Krugman’s face?
Oh, my calls can’t find a floor
Ah, can't you see, Sister QE, I'm trying to score

Sep 3, 2015

Float On

Float On

With a little help from Modest Mouse (YouTube)

I backed my Swiss trade into a pin-bar the other day
Well it missed my stop, sometimes life's OK
My margin fell off a bit too much, oh what can I say
Well, the clerk just laughed it off, said it’s OK

And the tenge floats on OK, and the ruble floats on OK
They'll all float on anyway

Sep 2, 2015

Don't You Spoof Me

Human League - Don't You Want Me

Alternate mix of the 80s MTV staple by The Human League (YouTube)

You were trading index futures using high-low bars
When I met you
They stopped you out and shook you up
Till I turned things ‘round
And taught you how to quote-spam too

Now five years later on you've got Wall Street at your feet
Success is just too easy for you
But don't forget I know how you got where you are now
And I could call the Feds in too

Sep 1, 2015

For What It's Worth

For What It's Worth - Buffalo Springfield

Sung to the music of Buffalo Springfield (YouTube):

There's something happening here
But what it is ain't exactly clear
There's a margin clerk over there
Telling me I got to beware

I think it's time we stop:  Children, what's that sound?
Everybody look – the Dow’s going down