Jun 30, 2015

Then He Spoofed Me

Then He Kissed Me - The Crystals

From the original by The Crystals (YouTube)

Well, he walked up to me and he asked me if I wanted to trade
It looked kinda easy so I opened an account the next day

When I went to trade that night, the range was rather tight
Liquidity was super light
And then he spoofed me

Jun 29, 2015

We Broke the Bollinger Band

A b-side to this Grand Funk (YouTube) classic

Stuck in a range for 90 days
Neither longs nor shorts have really gotten paid
Sweet, sweet Janet’s been doin' her act
She’s been the whole show and that’s a natural fact

Up all night with a trading king
I got to tell you, put spreads are his thing
Spoos and Diamonds ain’t acting right
The longs may get their comeuppance tonight

Jun 25, 2015

Buyin' the Euphoria

Going to California - Zeppelin

A Led Zeppelin (YouTube) outtake

Spent and dazed as the market climbed
Shorted some stuff and lost all the time
Made up my mind to make a new start
Buyin’ this euphoria with an aching in my heart
Someone told me there’s a stock out there
With a P/E of 5 and Corporate buying all the shares

Jun 24, 2015

When the Trend Line Breaks

When the Levee Breaks - Led Zeppelin

Another Led Zeppelin (YouTube) parody

If it keeps on straining, trend line’s gonna break
If they keep on selling, market’s gonna break
When the market breaks, HFTs won’t play

6-year uptrend taught me to trade on loan
Green old trend line, bought with home equity loans
God, if it breaks, make a million men lose their homes

Jun 23, 2015

Just Like Evans

Just Like Heaven - The Cure

With apologies to The Cure (YouTube)

(After rolling his eyes during Charles Evans’ rendition of “The Doves Are Back in Town”, FOMC hawk Jeffrey Lacker grabs the karaoke mike, and pokes fun at his dovish colleagues)

"Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick,
the one that made stocks green" she said
"The one that made yields plunge," she said,
And threw her arms around my neck
"Show me how you do it, and I promise you,
I promise that I'll run away with you
I’ll run the stops with you"

Safety Trade

Safety Dance - Men Without Hats

With a little help from Men Without Hats (YouTube)

(Institutional investors embracing the so-called ‘safety trade’ are finding it to be a bit of a Faustian bargain)

We can trade like we want to, we can leave retail behind
Cause your friends all trade and when they make trades
They're like mud-flopping swine
I say, we can trade where we want to, an exchange they will never find
And we can act like we come from Virtu’s desk, leave retail orders behind
We can trade (and ping)

We can flip when we want to, our trap is sprung right at the highs
And we can spam and cheat till it overheats
Then surprise ‘em with a plunge in SPY

Fed Chair Peddling Soma


From the original by The Smiths

Yellen’s pushing soma, I know
I know it's serious
Aldous Huxley’s soma, I know
I know, it stops the tears for us

There were times when I could have murdered her
But now, I’d hate for anything to happen to her
No, I can’t go cold turkey

These Doves Are Fucking Wrong!

Pains of Being Pure at Heart

Thanks to The Pains of Being Pure at Heart (YouTube)

This is sinister, just can’t find the words to say
Spread the dark myth that you’ll hike rates one fine day

We’re all doomed because your policy’s not right
Don’t QE more than thrice, it’s alright
To the dark side, yeah, you’ve coddled all the longs
I won’t whisper:   These doves are fucking wrong!

They're Rigging Prices

Television Personalities

Lovingly reworked from Television Personalities (YouTube)

In the past I always tried
But I never got stocks to hit my prices
I put it down to Providence
Or something simple, like “markets are complex”

Pretty soon that’s gonna change

Pretty soon it’s gonna change
Pretty soon I’m gonna trade
And you won't victimize me

They’re rigging prices for me !

Fritterin' Away the Years

Steely Dan

Music by Steely Dan (YouTube)

Your big Wall Street internship and your equity’s fading fast
So you buy a block of something you hope will give a blast
But you wouldn't know a Tesla if you held it in your hand
The stocks you doubled down on I can't understand

Are you wastin’ your prime years, fritterin’ away the time?
Are you drinkin’ lots of beer(s)?  Have you had enough of mine?

Just What I Needed

The Cars - 1st album cover

Adapted from The Cars (YouTube)

I don't mind you stopping here and wastin' all my time
But when my profit target’s oh so near, I kinda lose my mind
It's not the pin-bars that you wear or lunchtime gaps to start a scare
And I don't mind you sine wavin’ and refusing to climb

I don't mind you dipping low and taking out the creeps
My break-even’s so far below, I won’t lose any sleep, no
But, you don’t play your fake-outs well   
You’re coded by Citi? -- I can tell
And I don't mind you swoopin’ down, then taking a big leap

I guess you're just what I needed, I need someone to weed
To flush out the weak hands, so I can succeed

Jun 22, 2015

Pre-Euphoria Dreamin'

California Dreamin' - Mamas & the Papas

Sung to the music of The Mamas & The Papas (YouTube)

My short funds are down, and my mood is gray
Been ridin’ inverse leverage for over 40 days
I didn’t hear them warn about the decay
Pre-Euphoria dreamin’ on a sultry summer day

Stopped in to a Schwab I passed along the way
Well, I pulled up my accounts and I began to pray
You know my broker likes the churn, he knows I'm gonna trade
Pre-Yellen dreamin’ on FOMC day

Jun 19, 2015

Lisa Says

Velvet Underground

Composite of Lou Reed/Velvet Underground versions

Lisa says at levels like this
it‘d be so nice if GDP could miss
Lisa says with inventories in a big pile
stocks could ramp for the longest while

Lisa says, Lisa says

Lisa says you must be some kind of fool
to say the Fed’s out of tools
Lisa says if you drink 9 quarts of beer
FOMC minutes become perfectly clear

Jun 18, 2015

Radar Dove

Radar Love - Golden Earring

Remix of a 70s classic by Golden Earring (YouTube)

(I’m out of my bed and I’m buying … out of my bed and I’m buying …)

I've been buying all night, flickin’ my center mouse wheel
There's a voice in my head, that Brooklyn spiel
As the market’s stallin', I think “we need you here!”
Then Europe opens, stocks shift in gear

When I get long and the selling gets too much
She holds a presser, cooing softly, like a dove
We don't need to text or call

We've got a thing that's called Radar Dove
Bullish waves through the air -- Radar Dove

Jun 15, 2015

Greatest Trade of My Life

Extricate - The Fall

Mark E. Smith gets the girl after closing his first 10-bagger trade in this parody of "Bill is Dead (YouTube)" by The Fall

Back three, NFLX was $53
I had crow’s feet under my eyes
Didn’t sleep for days, then it smashed higher

Cheering, jeering, celebrated in a bar
Can’t believe I got her number

These are finest times of my life
This is the greatest trade of my life
This is the greatest time of my life
This is the biggest trade of my life

Jun 12, 2015

I Have Forgiven Janet


Inspired by Morrissey (YouTube)

I was a good trader, I never did my firm harm
It was a nice gig, with a nice expense account
Forgive me for any losses that may have clung to you   
With the Fed’s help, I know, new highs are always near to you
But Yellen hurt me when she deserted me

But, I have forgiven Janet
For all the liquidity she placed in me  
When there’s nothing I can do with this desire

Jun 10, 2015

It's the End Of the Market As We Know It

It's the End of the World - R.E.M.

Another R.E.M. (YouTube) parody

(To conserve space, here’s just the first 60 sec. of the tune)

Oh great, it starts with a head-fake
Squids and whales, big annual gain, Dennis Gartman is afraid
Eye of a hurricane, look at the markets churn
Algos serve their own needs, don't buy liquidity creeds

Pump it up a notch, add speed bumps, stop, go
Laddered structures clattered with fear of rates, hike rates
Wires and fibers represent the biggest firms
If the market‘s for sale, it’s a combat site

Jun 9, 2015

Sweet Janet

Sweet Jane - Velvet Underground

Adapted from The Velvet Underground (YouTube)

Yellen on the corner, use case in her hand
Krugman’s in a straightjacket, Friedman’s in a bulletproof vest
And me?   I had an Omega watch band
Riding in an AMC Pacer, Jan, you know, those were real cool cars
Bernanke studied Volcker’s curse, and Draghi, he rolled his R’s

Sweet Janet

Jun 8, 2015


Winning - Santata

With apologies to Santana (YouTube)

Only one day a year was I above the ground 
When I wanted to short, shares always were found 
I was so far down that I couldn't get up
All my life I’ve been one big loser
Even middle school kids were my accusers
And in the market I was lost before I begun

Jun 6, 2015

VWAP Algo's Theme Song

Every Breath You Take

With thanks to The Police (YouTube)

Every offer you take
Every bid you make
Every trend you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you

Every single day
EVERY time you trade
All the games I’ll play
Every spike you fade
I'll be watching you

Oh can't you see
You belong to me?
See the market ricochet
Back to that damn orange line all day

Every move you make
Every single day …

Jun 4, 2015

Rate Oddity

David Bowie - Space Oddity cover

To the music of Space Oddity (YouTube)

Plunge Control to Major Draghi:
Bluff for fourteen months then turn the spigot on
3 … 2 … 1 … Lift-off !

This is Plunge Control to Major Draghi:
You've hardly made the grade
And the Germans want to know whose loss they’ll share
Now it's time to print more money, if you dare

Jun 2, 2015

House That Janet Yellen Built

Go-Betweens  Tallulah

Musical help from The Go-Betweens (YouTube)

You and I are levered, with no hedging at all
With the Sony on Bloomberg, I give you pleasure as you price calls
Want you to have profits, and my affection too
Making love to ‘The Pulse’, that’s what you’ve driven me to

Want us to be lovers, want us to be friends
But this Yellen worship, it’s got to end
Keep me away from her

Jun 1, 2015

Dark Age

From the original by The Velvet Underground (YouTube)

‘Can I have your autograph?’   he said to the bowl-haired Fed Chair
You know, I've faded every call you’ve made
From small cap stocks to biotech funds
And when you dissed ‘valuation’
Gee, but I thought you were its main causation (?)
You're over your head right now, and you're hoping for luck
They’ll come running to you anytime you want them